Title: Mini-Marriage Makeover (How to have a lasting & happy marriage)(12/6-7/08) Introduction
A. [Illus] – This Dec. 20th marks 28 years of marriage to my wife, Darla
o [Picture] – Here’s our wedding photo (Was I ever that young?)
o Darla is a wonderful wife to me - - - We’ve been thru a lot together
o Our marriage has had its ups & downs – like any other marriage
o One person said: “Marriage has 3 rings: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring & the Sufer-Ring!” - - - no, just teasing
B. I can honestly say that Darla & I love each other more today than ever before
§ Right honey? - - - Uh… honey… honey…
§ We’ve both made mistakes – and still make them
§ But we’ve learned from our mistakes
C. So, I stand here today – not proudly or arrogantly – but confidently telling you I know a thing or two abt. having a successful marriage
…from experience & from knowing God’s word on the subject
D. So today, I’m not pulling punches! - I’m going to give you straight truth – in love - abt. marriage - so fasten your seatbelts!
There are 5 things you must do to have a lasting/happy marriage
- And I know that I know that I know all 5 things are true!
- But, you may disagree w/me on something - that’s fine – I respect that
- All I ask is that you hear me out - please - - - - then…
o If you have questions abt. specific situations or applications of or exceptions within these truths - - contact me or my wife later (OK?)
1. Choose wisely (Choose your marriage partner wisely)
A. Date & marry only someone who shares your spiritual values
o Someone who believes & reads the Bible…
o Who passionately loves & pursues a rel. w/Jesus Christ
o Who prays & attends church regularly - - willingly
B. [Illus] – I can’t tell you how many married couples I’ve known, who should’ve never gotten married - - - They’re simply incompatible
- Their CORE beliefs about God & church & marriage & money & child-rearing & life in general - - - are diametrically opposed
- Why? - - Bec. one of them is a passionate Christian & the other isn’t
- They should’ve never married
- Their dating rel. was misery or divorce waiting to happen
C. Someone will say, “But he or she is such a nice person”
- My answer: NICE won’t cut it - - It doesn’t last…
- Esp. when arguments abt. core issues arise - - NICE goes away - fast!
- “But Steve, she’s so gorgeous “ Or “He’s such a hunk!”
§ My response: “Prepare for Gorgeous Grief & Hunky Hell!”
§ Listen - - you can’t “sex” yourself into marital unity
§ Sex is the expression of unity, not the creation of it!
- If you don’t have unity in your CORE beliefs - - - you’ll spend years in emotional pain & misery - - or end up filing for divorce
That’s why the Bible says, “Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers…how can light live with darkness?” – 2 Corinthians 6:14
- “But Steve. He says he believes in God”
- Poppycock! - - If he believes, it will be obvious!
- He won’t be pushing you for sex & he’ll eagerly read the Bible & go to church - - you won’t have to “convert” him/her!
- If you want a lasting & happy marriage, date & marry only someone who is spiritually compatible to you
- And if you’re dating someone who isn’t spiritually compatible w/you - - end the relationship NOW, immediately – that’s my advice
- Choose your mate wisely
2. Be committed
A. The wedding vow says, “Till death do us part”- - take that seriously! - God does! - - - - - But even further, Jesus said of marriage:
“What God has joined together, let no one separate” – Mt. 19:6b (TNIV).
- When you take your wedding vows - - God JOINS you w/your fiancé
- It’s permanent! - - “What God has joined together, let no one separate”
A. That means divorce isn’t an option for the Christ-follower - - - except in the most extreme situations & even then, it shouldn’t come quickly
o The problem in our culture is we’re lazy
o We don’t want to do the hard work it takes to heal a troubled marriage
o It’s painful - - It involves sacrifice & loss & tears & heartache
o And in our convenience-oriented, “me first” culture, we don’t want that
o We want it to be easy & pain-free
o But marriage isn’t always easy - - and it’s definitely NOT pain free!
B. [Illus] – Someone will say, “But I’m not happy” - - My answer: It’s not about YOUR happiness - - It’s about obeying GOD! - - And the more you obey God, the happier you’ll be!
- And believe me – the grass ISN’T greener on the other side
- If you marry someone else hoping for greener pastures…
- You’ll soon find that the NEW rel. has issues too!
- What are you going to do? - - - Divorce again?
C. [Statistics] – That’s what many people end up doing - - - They leave one rel. to embrace another & only end up divorcing again - - Statistics show this - - - The Forest Institute of Psychology reports that:
- 50% of 1st marriages end divorce
- But 67% of 2nd marriages end in divorce
- And 75% of 3rd marriages end in divorce
- The more we divorce, the easier it gets to divorce again
- Why? - - - Bec. it’s easier to run than to face & deal w/core issues
D. Now, if you’ve been divorced - I’m not trying to make you feel guilty - - You can’t undo the past or answer for your ex-spouse’s actions - - And God can & will give you a new start w/a new husband or wife
§ But whether it’s your 1st or 2nd or 3rd marriage…
§ Take the mindset: Divorce is not an option (Mentally, take it off the table)
§ “What God has joined together, let no one separate”
§ Confront & deal w/problems, don’t run fr. them (God will help you)
§ If you want a lasting, happy marriage, Be Committed
3. Love & respect
Paul wrote, “Each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” – Ephesians 5:32 (NLT).
o Men, a woman’s greatest need is for love – that’s why God tells husbands to love their wives (whether or not they deserve it)
o Women, a man’s greatest need is for respect – that’s why God tells wives to respect their husbands (whether or not they deserve it)
A. Men, when you act in an unloving way toward your wife, she doesn’t like you much - - and sometimes she’s even afraid of you
o Angry or threatening body language (i.e., making a fist, gritting teeth)
o Yelling or raising your voice or using profanity
o Sarcastic or angry or rude or dictatorial tones of voice
o Being controlling or possessive or domineering
o Such things scream to your wife: I don’t love you!
o And it won’t matter that you’re right or logical or Biblically correct
o You’re lack of love negates all that! - - She won’t hear a word you say until your angry tone & body lang. goes away & she feels safe & loved again - - - And you begin speaking gently & kindly & calmly
The Bible says, “Love is patient and kind” – 1 Corinthians 13:4a (NLT)
o Not hot-tempered & rude!
o Don’t tell your wife you love her & then scream or harshly raise your voice at her - - - - that’s not love! (true love is KIND)
B. [Illus] – Over the yrs., I’ve failed in this area - - At times, I’ve been impatient & rude instead of patient & kind - - And mostly, my wife has been patient & gentle in return - Thankfully, I’ve grown a lot in this area
§ But the other day, I slipped & said something in a harsh tone of voice
§ And SHE slipped & gave me an irritated reply
§ I said, “Wow. It’s not like you to talk like that”
§ She said, “It comes fr. being married to you so long. It rubs off on me”
§ Truth hurts! (though it could be menopause – “middle age revenge on men”)
§ No - I’m teasing - - It was my own harshness being reflected back to me
§ Men, be kind to your wife - - LOVE her - - your marriage will be good
C. Ladies, your man needs respect more than anything else - - And when he doesn’t get it he locks up emotionally or gets hopping mad
§ Talking to him like he’s a kid - - Interrupting him when he’s speaking
§ Disrespectful body lang. (pointing your finger; hands on hips; angry face)
§ Belittling him; Using sarcasm to put him in his place
§ Criticizing him in front of others
o When you do these things, you’ve lost before you start!
o Your man won’t listen to anything you say - - - Why?
o Bec. your tone & body lang. scream at him: I don’t respect you
o And no matter how right you are in your viewpoint: You’re wrong
o Your disrespect is killing your marriage & your man!
o And please don’t say, “I’ll respect him when he EARNS it”
o Baloney! - - - God commands you to respect him
o It’s not an option - - - - it’s mandatory!
o You do it to obey God (whether or not your man has earned it)
o What if your man said you had to earn his love before you could have it?
o You wouldn’t like that - - - so don’t demand that he earn your respect
o Do it for God - - if not for your man
D. [Illus] – Ladies, sarcasm kills your rel. w/your man - - stay away fr. it! - - Don’t say, “Some man of God YOU are! You’re worse than the kids”
o Say, “Honey. I know you want to please God w/all your heart…”
o “So I’m praying for him to lead you in this situation”
o Now THAT’S a respectful approach - - and you’ll win with it!
o If you want a lasting & happy marriage practice love & respect
4. Change yourself
A. This point is huge - - SO many marriages are in constant turmoil bec. couples don’t get what I’m about to say right here
o You cannot change your spouse, so stop trying!
o Yes, communicate how you feel - but stop nagging/criticizing all the time
o Stop focusing on changing your spouse’s faults, so you can be happy
o You cannot change him/her! – The only person you can change is you
B. And changing YOU to be more like Jesus is the best way to change your spouse - - - You see, the more like Jesus you become…
o The more attractive you’ll be to your spouse
o AND, the more likely he/she will be inspired to change too
C. [Illus] – The apostle Peter knew that - - He wrote to some Christian women married to men who wouldn’t believe in Jesus or live Godly lives
o And these women desperately wanted their men to change…
o To follow Jesus & be Godly husbands
o So look how Peter tells them to get their husbands to change
He writes, “Nag your husband day after day & tell him everything that’s wrong with him. Then, he will surely want to change” – 1 Satan 3:16
o No, it doesn’t say that - - - That’s not in the Bible!
Here’s what Peter really said, “You wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives” – 1 Peter 3:1-2 (NLT).
o Godly living wins a husband over - - not nagging or criticizing
o Ladies, if you want to change your man - - change yourself 1st
o Become the respectful, Godly wife God has called you to be…
o Your man will be touched & inspired to change himself
D. But remember something: Many things you may want your spouse to change aren’t even sin - - - They’re personal preferences
§ I prefer
§ I want white bread – She wants wheat (The whiter the bread the sooner you’re dead)
§ I like racquetball for a cardio workout – She likes walking
§ I enjoy watching tv to relax – She enjoys doing Sudokus or reading
§ Listen, accept your spouse! - - Let them like what THEY like, so long as it’s not sinful - - Don’t try to force them to be like you on opinion issues
E. [Humor] – Every Sunday, Darla lets me watch football - Now, she could go the rest of her life w/out football - - But she doesn’t criticize me for watching it (all day sometimes - bec. she knows I like it) - She accepts me
- What’s more - - she even watches some w/me now
- It’s so funny to hear “football lingo” coming out of her mouth!
- Men, women – let your spouse enjoy what THEY like
- Don’t try to make them just like you (when no sin is involved)
- Nothing causes more fights or friction in a marriage
Paul wrote, “Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you” – Rom. 15:7
§ Accept your spouse - personality quirks & all (some will never change)
§ Accept their preferences - - let them enjoy them (so long as it’s not sin)
§ And, even if they are sinning – communicate how you feel, absolutely
§ Get counseling or help if it’s needed to effect change & protect your rel.
§ But don’t nag & constantly criticize - - - Instead change yourself…
§ It’s the most powerful way to change your spouse & have a happy marriage
5. Forgive & move on
A. Some marriages have no future, bec. a husband or wife lives in the past - - they recall every mistake their spouse ever made…
§ And throw it in their face often - - They use the past like a weapon
§ And, when they’re faced w/something they need to change, they launch into a tirade about their spouse’s past failures
§ It’s a defense mechanism, to keep fr. facing their own faults
§ It’s nothing more than bitter grudge-bearing
B. Don’t misunderstand: Sometimes we have to deal with the past to heal in the present - - - - But when the past has been discussed & apology made or forgiveness asked for - - It’s time to move on
C. [Illus] – When I was in college, dating Darla, I acted like a buffoon at times - - Sometimes, if Darla disagreed w/me abt. something, I’d go pout in my dorm room & refuse to talk to her
o I didn’t know it at the time - - but my actions hurt her a lot
o Many years later, she brought up that painful memory
o And I suddenly realized I had never apologized for my hurtful actions
o So, I apologized on the spot & asked her forgiveness
o She shed a few tears & felt comforted
o NOW, it was GOOD to talk it out - - it brought healing
o BUT, now that she’s forgiven me, it would be wrong for her to bring it up again - - - and she hasn’t
D. Husbands & wives, “talk out” old hurts (that’s important!) - - But once forgiveness has been sought & received - - - let it die!
§ Work on healing those damaged emotions (it will take time)
§ But let your spouse off the hook - - - Then, don’t bring it up again
Paul wrote, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” – Colossians 3:13 (NLT)
And Jesus said, 14 If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. 15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins” – Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT).
o Forgive as God has forgiven you - - Forgive so YOU can be forgiven
o Remember - - Jesus paid for your spouse’s sin in full on the cross - - - so forgive & move on - - it’s a secret to a lasting, happy marriage
Conclusion
A. Would you bow your head with me - - - Join me in praying for all the marriages in this church, to be strong & God-pleasing
§ And now, I’d like to ask everyone whose married to come up front…
§ I want to pray over your marriages.
§ Let’s pray.
